Miracle on Rethink Avenue
by Flywheel Shyster and Flywheel
Summary: The Eds are spending their Christmas Eve in Double-D's kitchen when someone knocks on the front door, setting off a chain reaction of ridiculous events.


_***Knock, knock***_

…

 _ ***Knock, knock, knock***_

"Alright, alright, keep your- Oh. What's up, Kev?"

"What, you two finally made it official and moved in together, McGee?"

"That's funny. Speaking of which, how is the dear old Captain of the swimming team doing?"

"I swear, McGee, you mention that assclown again-"

"Oh, touchy subject; you two have a little lovers' spat or something?"

"That's it, I'm gonna shove a candy cane so far up your-"

"For the love of- Gentlemen, do you think you could contain yourselves with the season upon us?" Double-D rolled his eyes in an overly dramatic fashion, strolling into the living room to see what had caused the sudden commotion at his front door. Eddy and Kevin frowned at each other for a few more seconds before the former shrugged.

"He started it." Eddy mumbled.

"Dork." Kevin mumbled in return before finally stepping through the doorway, allowing them to lock out the harsh winter climate. "Sorry to barge in on Christmas Eve, Double-D, but… I kinda need your help or something."

"Couple's counseling?" Eddy snickered and hurried back into the kitchen before Kevin had a chance to lob something at him.

"Well, what seems to be the trouble?" Double-D made a gesture inviting his newly arrived guest in to which Kevin swiftly removed his shoes.

"Let me cut to the chase; there's-" A loud crash originating from the kitchen interrupted him and Double-D groaned deeply in response to the long stream of curses that followed.

"Ed is also with us. We are trying to make gingerbread houses." Double-D simply turned and left the room, prompting Kevin to follow. "The results so far have been rather mixed, if you'll pardon the pun."

"Whoa." Kevin stopped dumbstruck in the kitchen doorway, taking in the sight before him. Flour coated nearly every surface except for the designated kneading area, baking trays in various states of burnt distress were scattered throughout the room and in the middle of it all stood Ed staring perplexedly at the head of a broom in his hands.

"Dare I ask how you managed to achieve this amazing feat, Ed?" What surprised Kevin the most was how calmly Double-D seemed to take the fact that the handle of the previously mentioned broom had lodged itself in a cupboard door.

"The plan was to sweep up the flour. I got really into it." Ed averted his eyes sheepishly.

"Understatement of the year." Eddy took the moment to survey the mess they had made and wondered once again if maybe the end result wouldn't be worth all this work.

"Sorry, Double-D." Ed mumbled, scratching the back of his head.

"No, it's- Well, 'all right' is a term up for debate, but I dare say that it is fixable." Double-D rubbed his eyes and sighed. "Accidents happen."

"Yeah, for like the fifth time today." Eddy snorted.

"Had you read the recipe properly-"

"How the hell was I to know the difference between Fartherheights and Excelsior-"

"Fahrenheit and Celsius, Eddy! F and C!"

"Yeah, well C if I F'en care!"

"How long have you guys been doing this?" Kevin butted in, curious how the three hadn't burned down the house or murdered each other so far.

"Far, far too long." Double-D shook his head. "Nevertheless, you mentioned you were having problems, Kevin?"

"Yeah." The jock shot Eddy a dirty look as a warning to keep quiet. "There's a painting stuck in my tree."

"What?"

"Pardon?"

"Cool." Double-D and Eddy met the statement with confused looks while Ed perked up in amazement.

"A painting. In my tree." Kevin repeated slowly.

"A painting in your tree?" Double-D parroted.

"A painting in my tree."

"A painting in your tree… How?"

"I dunno, like stuck up there?" Kevin made an unspecified gesture with his hand raised in the air before he shrugged, irritated with the way his whole day had been going. "Just come look, all three of you."

"A painting in a tree though; is that really a four man problem?" Eddy leaned back against the counter.

"Could be worth a look." Ed piped up, somewhat relieved that a distraction from the broom incident had arisen.

"It also means we have a reason to leave the kitchen." Double-D reasoned. Eddy took another look around.

"Let's-"

"Before we return and rectify the results of this horrid disaster of an activity, of course."

"Shit." Eddy grumbled before pushing off the counter. "Aight, lead the way, Kev." The four left the horrors of the kitchen behind and, after getting dressed and Eddy receiving a hard punch on the arm courtesy of Kevin for a snide remark, stepped outside the house.

"What, so it was just there?" Eddy kicked at a pile of snow for no particular reason while they waited for Double-D to write a sticky note for the door explaining the state of the house should his parents magically appear because the universe just felt like being extra cruel.

"Yeah, man; looked out the window and there it just was. Kinda hard to miss too; it's that bigass tree that Dad sits under with his guitar in the summer." Kevin made a face, not only because the thought of summer seemed incredibly alien considering the current temperature but also because his dad refused to accept the fact that nobody else like hearing a 40-something floor manager of a jawbreaker factory learning to play the guitar without any previous experience.

"Nothing says first week of summer like the butchered notes of 'Sweet Home Alabama' from the Mitchell backyard." Eddy chortled.

"Be glad it's not electric at least." Kevin said and Eddy laughed.

"That explanation should suffice should they return." Double-D finally walked up to them after having locked the front door.

"You say you were burgled?" Eddy smirked.

"No, I simply told them the truth of the situation." Double-D responded and Eddy slapped his forehead with a groan.

"Oh, come on, Double-D! Your mom already hates me!"

"She doesn't hate you, Eddy, she just…" Double-D paused his sentence in search for words. A moment passed.

"Convincing." Eddy rolled his eyes. "We're doing this or what?"

"Certainly. Kevin, after you." Double-D bowed lightly.

"Aight." Kevin glanced at Ed who had been standing both motionless and silent for a good while. "Hey, Ed, you with us, man?"

"There's something in the tree." The tall Ed said cryptically.

"Yeah, there's a frickin' painting in it; we've been over thi-"

"No." Ed interrupted Eddy's annoyed words and raised his hand to point to a scrawny bundle of sticks crudely arranged in the general shape of a tree a few feet from Double-D's mail box. "That tree."

"So it would seem." Double-D agreed and walked towards it to get a better look. Even then, he barely understood what he was looking at.

"Looks like Santa came early, Double-D!" Eddy laughed at the sight in front of them; one of the tree's stronger branches was weighed down by a jar tied to the end of it with bright red string. On top of the branch itself rested two action figures in Santa hats, tied down with the same type of string in a position that made it seem like they were riding the branch like one does a horse.

"What in the world?" Double-D slid a hand under his beanie to scratch at his scalp in bewilderment while his eyes traveled across the rest of the tree and the surrounding area.

"Yo, Ed, is this some kinda weird art project of yours?" Kevin asked, knowing the tall Ed's affinity to the creative force that had descended upon him somewhere around their freshman year of high school.

"No, I'm working on something else at the moment." Ed stared at the tree, contemplating Kevin's words; if it was truly art, there had to have been some sort of meaning behind it. "I don't really see it as art though."

"In the guy's defense: Sure, Lumpy seems like the kinda guy who'd collect action figures but would he really use them in whatever weird thing he's doing at the moment?" Eddy, who had finally managed to contain his roars of laughter to occasional snickers, raised an eyebrow.

"Don't collect TMNT anyway, never really been a fan."

"Really? They're mutants after all."

"Yeah, but do they eat people, Eddy?"

"… You got me there, Ed."

"Aight, aight, I'm just asking; between this…" Kevin waved his hand at the tree. "Thing and my painting, it's looking an awful lot like an art thing."

"It wasn't me, Kevin." Ed shook his head. "I only do clay."

"Besides, Lumpy came before me and I'm pretty sure I would've noticed this freak show if I'd walked past it." Eddy added.

"Aight, my bad, just thinking out loud here." Kevin held up his hands.

"Surely there must be a reason for this though." Double-D spoke up, having been enveloped in deep thought. "The toys on their own I can understand, an anonymous someone passing on an unwanted possession in the spirit of Christmas, but in combination with the jar of olives?"

"Is that what that is?" Eddy crouched down to get a better look at the murky liquid and the oval shapes floating around in it.

"Maybe it's a message." Ed suggested.

"What, like the painting in the tree has some sort of underlying message to it?" Kevin asked.

"Could be." Double-D said. Leaning closer, he inspected the two toys. "I can't seem to recall: Who are these two?"

"The purple one's Donatello, the Orange one's Michelangelo." Ed stated.

"Thought you weren't a fan?" Kevin asked suspiciously, not really having let go of the thought of this being some sort of artistic statement. If such was the case then Ed would certainly be at the top of the suspect list.

"I'm not; we just watched the Michael Bay movie not too long ago."

"Don't remind me, ugliest things I've seen since I last saw Kevin."

"Bite me, McGee."

"I would but maybe you'd like it."

"Do focus." Double-D uttered absentmindedly, much too accustomed with many forms of bickering. "Donatello was, of course, a sculptor but Michelangelo dabbled in many a fields: Painting, sculpting, architecture."

"What if Ed's Donatello then and you're supposed to be Michelangelo?" Kevin proposed, turning to Double-D. "You dabble in a lot of shit yourself."

"Hey, what am I then; the damn jar of olives?!" Eddy shot up and pointed a finger at Kevin.

"You said it, not me." Kevin held up his hands again.

"If the thought even runs that deep." Ed stroked his chin, trying to put himself into the mindset of the perpetrator or, if one would acknowledge it as having artistic intent, the artist.

"Quite. I feel we must investigate further, starting with-"

"ED-BOY!" All four jumped at the deafening roar that echoed throughout the entire neighborhood, the source of the noise racing towards them at a frightening speed.

"Boy, he looks pissed." Kevin said plainly, watching while the farm owner Rolf practically threw himself at Ed and knocked them both into the snow.

"HOW MANY TIMES MUST ROLF- Ed-boys, Kevin- TELL YOU TO LEAVE ROLF'S CHICKENS TO THEIR PECKING?" Apart from the polite introductions to the rest of the company, Rolf brought himself practically nose to nose with the grounded Ed and let his furious gaze bore itself into Ed's overly cheerful one.

"Hiya, Rolf; I have no idea what you're talking about!"

"DO NOT PLAY THE GAME OF TRUTH WITH ROLF, ED-BOY; ROLF HAS MANY A SIDES OF HAM TO GLAZE AT HOME AND-"

"Rolf, would you mind-" Double-D started but there was no calming the farmer who raved on.

"THE AMOUNT OF SAUSAGE THAT NEEDS TO BE STUFFED! ED-BOY WOULD BALK AT THE NUMBER OF WEINERS NEEDED TO PLEASE NANA!"

"I'm not laughing, you're laughing." Eddy shoved his gloved fist into his grinning mouth and turned towards the tree.

"ALL OF ROLF'S CLAN SITTING THERE, JUDGING THE SIZE OF ROLF'S SAUSAGE!"

"ALRIGHT, Rolf, just chill." Kevin stepped forth and pulled the raging young man back in an attempt to calm him down. "Someone took your chickens?"

"YES!"

"Inside voice, man."

"KEVIN-BOY MUST BE CONFUSED, WE-"

"No, I mean use your inside voice even though we're outside, we talked about this, man." Kevin fought the urge to cradle his face in his hand; many a chances with girls had been blown after football games because of Rolf. He loved the guy, eccentricities and all, but a social expert he was not.

"Ah, why wasn't this said then?"

"I- Never mind. Look." Kevin guided Rolf up off Ed by the shoulder. "Normally, I'd be with you; Ed and chickens? Solid case. But…" Kevin looked at the decorated tree and then down at Ed who seemed content to lie in the snow for the moment, possibly aware that another tackling to the ground would be imminent should he stand up. "There's something weird going on. Maybe the Eds aren't behind this one."

"Rolf, if it would ease your suspicions, Eddy and I can vouch for Ed's whereabouts for the last four hours." Double-D took a step forward in an attempt to defuse the situation further.

"Jesus, we're really shit at baking." Eddy mumbled.

"If not then I'm certain Ed would gladly allow us to examine his abode to assure you that he did not take your chickens." Double-D continued.

"How much did you just want to make a 'foul play' pun there?" Eddy muttered under his breath to Double-D who simply shot him a bemused glance.

"More than I care to admit." He muttered back before raising his voice. "In fact, Rolf, this tree here and one in Kevin's backyard seems to have been defaced in a possible artistic display so perhaps the perpetrator made away with your chickens as well."

"Rolf's livestock… MADE INTO ART?" The flame in Rolf's eyes lit up again and he turned them once again on Ed.

"Look, Stretch, I'm really worried about your chickens as well, obviously." Eddy barely made any attempt to hide the sarcasm in his voice. "So just come with us, check out Kevin's painting and then we can go chicken hunting. Sound good?"

"Kevin's painting?" Rolf's shoulder slumped and he looked to the jock for clarification.

"Yeah, there's-"

" **A painting in his tree.** " All three Eds said in unison and exchanged impressed looks.

"What is a painting doing in a tree?" Rolf took a step back as if it would help him assess the situation properly.

"Why is a raven like a writing desk?" Ed asked in response, taking the moment to at the very least sit up.

"That's what we intend to investigate." Double-D rubbed his glove-clad hands together. "Shall we?"

"This really isn't what I thought I'd be doing today when I woke up." Kevin gave Ed a hand up and led the way. The others followed at a brisk pace, sans Ed who stopped to fumble out his phone and take a picture of the display in Double-D's tree. Could be useful, if only to argue about the evolution of art for a school assignment.

"So… Who's psyched for Christmas?" Eddy clapped his hands, attempting to fire up some casual conversation.

"Rolf still worries about the size of his sausage; the house will soon fill with some of the greatest maws to swallow weiners this side of the mountains." Rolf said with the serious tone usually reserved for newscasters.

"… He's gotta hear it, there's no way he doesn't hear it." Eddy muttered to Kevin who shook his head in response.

"I doubt it, man, dude still calls sex fornication."

"I can admit that it's been rather difficult to muster up my usual level of excitement." Double-D said, deciding to just ignore the possible underlying meaning. "College applications have taken up the majority of my time and, well, my mind's just been other places."

"Tell me about it." Kevin nodded as they entered his front yard and made their way past his house. "School's been brutal this year."

"Yeah." Ed chimed in. "Kinda weird to focus on the now when you're thinking about what's next."

"Well said, Lumpy." Eddy gave his taller friend a pat on the back.

"Aight, there it is." Kevin raised his arm to point out a tall snow covered tree that very much indeed had a painting shoved up between its branches.

"That's a painting in a tree alright." Ed said as if to offer his expert opinion on artwork in foliage.

"The hell is that supposed to be?" Eddy asked, all of them puzzled as they trudged through the last bit of snow and stopped directly under the branches holding the canvas.

"Looks like oil paint." Ed scratched his chin in thought. It seemed to be very well made; framed, nice attention to detail, impeccable brush strokes. He didn't entertain the thought of painting himself but he'd picked up a lot from chatting with the art teacher after class.

"Does anyone know of this man?" Rolf pointed, even though they were all staring in the same direction, at the likeness of a man that had been captured. The others spoke all at once.

"Not a clue."

"Seems familiar but I can't really place it."

"Nuh-uh."

"Looks good though."

"Well, suppose we were to examine it for clues? A signature, a title on the back, a message?" Double-D offered.

"Good idea, I'll get a ladder." Kevin started to move but Eddy held out a hand to stop him.

"Nah, don't bother. Lumpy?"

"Oh. Okay, Eddy!" Before anyone could react, Ed had grabbed a firm hold of the shortest Ed's head, spun him around a few times and launched his screaming friend straight up through the branches. The painting was violently knocked out of the tree and safely into Ed's arms whereas Eddy continued in a straight line upwards. The others followed his trajectory with stunned gazes. "Here's your painting, Kevin."

"… Thanks, man." Kevin blinked and accepted the offering, deciding just to go with the flow of whatever wavelength Ed's decision making skills were broadcasting on. "It's big. Kinda nice."

"Quite." Double-D walked around Kevin to inspect the backside of the canvas further. "There doesn't really seem to be anything indicating its origins."

"No signature either." Kevin held it out at an arm's length. "It can't just have crashed out of the sky." Gravity chose to time Eddy McGee's reconnection with the ground to this moment and sent him crashing into a snow pile next to the others.

"Is Shortstack-Ed-Boy okay?" Rolf didn't even look back at Eddy's collapsed form as he too had taken to inspecting the painting.

"No." Eddy let out a weakened groan. "Ed?"

"Yes, Eddy?"

"I meant slam your fist into the tree or something."

"I know, Eddy."

"So why did you-"

"Didn't wanna hurt the tree."

Pause.

"Okay."

"Wait." Rolf perked up, his whole body tense. "Listen."

"What, you hear that ringing too?" Eddy made several disturbing noises as Ed helped him up and threw a fist into the latter's stomach.

"No. Chickens." Rolf turned his head towards the house. "Rolf suspects foul play." With his every sense at full attention, he marched towards the house with purpose.

"… What the hell do I do with this?" Kevin waggled the painting back and forth.

"Just dump it inside or something, we've got another mystery on our hands apparently." Eddy cradled his arm and limped after Rolf who had stopped just next to the patio door.

"Rolf? What is it?" Double-D asked as they all joined up at the farmer's side, noticing a large cardboard box in front of him.

"Someone…" His grip tightened around the box lid in his hands to the point where his knuckles turned white. "is making a fine mockery of Rolf."

"You gotta be kidding me." Kevin leaned in, gave the contents of the box a quick look before he opened the door with a chortle and disappeared inside with the painting.

"Huh. I think it's the same guy." Ed crouched down to examine the box closer. Lined with several blankets, three of Rolf's chickens stared back up at them; all dressed in black-and-white striped sweaters with tiny berets strapped to each of their heads and electronic cigarettes clutched in their claws. A miniature table sat in the middle of the trio on which a manhandled piece of bread sat.

"If Slower-than-snail-Ed-boy has a finger in this-" Rolf turned slowly towards Ed, venom lacing his every word. Luckily for whatever body part of Ed's Rolf had planned to threaten, Double-D pointed to the lid where something had been scribbled.

"Mess… _Messeigneurs_?"

"What is Sock-on-head-Ed-boy calling Rolf?" Double-D took a quick step back when Rolf's burning fury redirected itself to him.

"It's written on the lid there, Stretch." Eddy cocked an eyebrow at the display while Rolf furiously flipped the lid around to read for himself. "So that's Rolf, Kevin and you so far, Sockhead."

"That we know of." Double-D thought for a moment. "Perhaps if we-"

"Yo, guys, you think maybe someone else got some weird shit as well?" Kevin stepped out of the house and rejoined them, sans the painting.

"We were just thinking that." Eddy said.

"We should probably-" Double-D was interrupted yet again by a cacophony of noise; he, Ed, Eddy and Kevin simultaneously pulled out their ringing cell phones and looked between themselves with a sense of confusion and dread.

"That's weird." Eddy blinked at his phone's display. "I got Lee."

"Sarah." Ed held up his phone for them all to see.

"Nazz." Kevin said curtly.

"Marie." Double-D said finally. They all shared another look before nodding and all pressing to answer.

" **Hello?** " They said in almost perfect unison.

" _ **ED, YOU BLITHERING IDIOT! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!**_ " The only thing any of them could hear though was the explosion of noise coming from Ed's receiver that sent them all fumbling with their phones in pure shock while Rolf kneeled down to calm his squawking, panicked poultry. Ed however stood calmly with his arm outstretched, the phone as far away from his ears as possible.

"I'll be over there, guys." He started trudging away and it took the distance of half the backyard until any of them couldn't hear Sarah's piercing shrieks anymore.

"Jesus." Eddy shook his head and put the phone back up to his ear. "Hello?" Double-D and Kevin followed suit.

"Rolf must tend to his chickens, but he will return in search for the missing seven." Rolf swept the cardboard box up into his arm and huffed, nodding to each of them before he turned around and started to walk away.

Kevin finished his conversation first and sighed; the day was getting weirder by the minute. While waiting for the others to finish, he went into the house and took several photos of the painting from all angles as a precaution, mostly to avoid having to carry it around. When he came back out, Double-D too had finished his phone call.

"Nazz got a bag." Kevin said before Double-D could even open his mouth. "Like, just sitting there outside her door. She said she didn't want to look in it, if it's like a prank or something so I told her to bring it over here so she's on her way. What about you?"

"Well… It's rather curious actually." Double-D pocketed his phone. "Marie called in a rather manic state of laughter to thank me for a Christmas gift I hadn't given her and when I summarized our conundrum and inquired what it was, she started laughing even harder."

"So, what was it?"

"She insisted she show me in person so I told her to come right over as well." Double-D thumbed at his pocket. "Obviously, whatever the purpose of this… Experimental way of gift giving is, we all seem to be involved in it."

"Great." Kevin deadpanned. "Right, so there's a painting, some toys and a jar of olives, Rolf's stolen chickens, Nazz's bag-" Nazz took this moment to appear from around the corner. "And whatever it is Marie's gotten."

"Hey, guys." Nazz lowered the scarf covering her mouth and gave them all a crooked smile. Eddy offered a half hearted wave before he resumed his heated conversation with Lee. "Should've told me we were doing secret Santa this year."

"We're not, someone's messing with us." Kevin rubbed his face, already tired of whatever game it was they were playing.

"What?" Nazz's face turned confused and she held out the white paper bag in her hand at an arm's length suspiciously.

"May I?" Double-D took the bag at Nazz's nodding behest, took a deep breath to steel himself and opened the bag. He then proceeded to do… Nothing. He simply stared at the contents of the bag in silent contemplation.

"Yo, Double-D, what is it?" Kevin inched closer, trying to get a glimpse of what lay inside.

"Onion rings."

"What."

"Onion rings?" Both Kevin and Nazz took a step forward and stared straight into the bag where, indeed, a couple of onion rings lay dormant and harmless.

"Is… There even method to this madness?" Double-D asked dramatically, his mind turning to find a connection of their mysterious gifts.

"Why would someone, like, dump a bag of onion rings on my door step?" Nazz looked at each of them but realized quickly that they knew as little as she did.

"Why would someone dump a painting in my tree?" Kevin offered as a retort and Nazz's mouth fell open.

"A painting… In your tree?"

"Yeah." Kevin felt like the more they said it, the more normal it felt. He didn't like that feeling.

"Uhm, guys?" Ed wandered back to them wearing a worried expression. The lack of ear shattering screams indicated that he too had ended his conversation. "Sarah might have found Rolf's missing chickens. Hey, Nazz." He smiled to the blonde who simply stared at him in return.

"Hi, Ed; Rolf's chickens are missing?"

"Where are they then?" Double-D asked, finally snapping out of his thoughts.

"In our bathtub." Ed stated matter-of-factly.

"Ed, you sure you're not behind this?" The simple Ed could admit to all of this being some weird exercise in teamwork and Kevin wouldn't even be mad at this point; he just wanted answers.

"Yep, I'm pretty sure; Sarah said she's gonna make sure I graduate in a wheelchair and I don't really do things to make that happen."

"Towards Ed's house then." Double-D gestured vaguely and they all set off walking again in the direction of Ed's.

"So, does anybody wanna fill me in on what we're doing here?" Nazz asked, pocketing the bag of five fried onions slivers.

"Scoobying the shit out of the holidays to begin with." Kevin answered flatly. "I looked out the window this morning to see-"

"I do apologize for interrupting, but I must wait for Marie to see if her mysterious gift fits into this puzzle." Double-D stopped as they reached the sidewalk in front of Ed's house, the others turning towards him.

"Aight, we'll check out the chickens in the bathtub then." Kevin paused and looked downwards in disbelief. "Never thought I'd say that today."

"I'll be right behind you." Double-D watched them walk into the house, apart from Eddy whose phone was still glued to his ear and only offered a grimace for an explanation. So the brainy Ed stood there, shivering slightly in the cold weather with only the sound of Eddy's occasional answers into his phone's mouthpiece to keep him company.

It didn't take very long for a figure to appear in the distance though and the blue hair that escaped a black beanie identified the person rather easily.

"Hey." Marie walked up to the two, giving Double-D a peck on the cheek and Eddy a curious look. "Who's he talking to?"

"Your sister."

"Oh, she seemed pissed." She said no more of the subject and simply held out a sketching pad with a cunning smile. "Here it is."

"What?" Double-D accepted it and observed it curiously, turning it over in his hands to notice any glaring irregularities.

"Yeah, it came just like that. It was wrapped though and-" Marie burst out giggling. "It had a label that said 'Paint me like one of your French girls'." The giggle turned into a roaring laughter and when Double-D's brow furrowed even deeper than before, she flipped the pad open to the first page.

"… What." He knew what he was looking at, he could see what had been sketched on the paper, yet his brain refused that the lines came together in a coherent image.

"It's from Titanic-" Marie wheezed out between the laughs.

"I know."

"And-"

"Please don't."

"IT'S JUST LIKE IN THE MOVIE." She doubled over and laughed even harder, gaining weird looks from Eddy who stepped over, took one look at the sketch and recoiled in horror.

"What the actual-"

"Yes, Eddy." Double-D carefully lifted a few pages, making sure not to see too much of the remaining five drawings, before slamming the pad shut and basically shoving it back into Marie's hands. "Those were geese."

"When you think this day can't get any weirder." Eddy shook his head and was just about to return to his phone call when a voice was heard behind them.

"Hey, guys?" Nazz had appeared in a second story window and she looked… Disturbed.

"Have you found the chickens?" Double-D asked tiredly, questioning whether this had been a peculiar sort of dream all along.

"Yeah, and Kevin just called Rolf, but-"

"ED-BOOOOOOOOY!" The bellowing roar of an enraged Rolf echoed once again across the street and he materialized even faster this time as he sprinted past the two Eds and Marie, swiftly kicked Ed's front door in and disappeared upstairs.

"He seemed pissed." Marie's laughing fit had dissipated with Rolf's sudden appearance and she looked to Double-D for some sort of explanation.

"That's an understatement." Double-D motioned for them to come along and the three entered the house, sidestepping the smashed door, and walking up the stairs.

"So, something about Rolf's chickens?" Marie asked. Double-D had given her the basic gist of what was going on but certain details seemed to have been omitted.

"And a painting in a tree." Double-D wondered briefly how long Eddy's conversation with Lee would go on as they finally reached the doorway of the upstairs bathroom. Peering over the shoulder of the raging, manically panting Rolf, they could see that Kevin, Nazz, Sarah and Ed had squeezed themselves up against the wall in fright while Jimmy was clinging to the toilet seat in wide-eyed fear.

"Hey, guys." Marie offered a relaxed greeting, as if the manifestation of wrath blocking the doorway wasn't there.

"L-Look, Rolf, I was in here maybe an hour ago and it wasn't like this… then…" Jimmy's voice faltered along the run of the sentence as Rolf took notice of his words.

"And, you know, Ed was with us all day so, you know…" Eddy lowered the phone and threw in his two cents with a level of uncertainty. "I don't know where I'm going with this. I don't even know what this is anymore." He walked down the hallway instead to continue his overly long conversation.

"Could someone explain, please?" Double-D hesitated. His instinct said to place a comforting hand on Rolf's shoulder but the young man seemed frozen in his step, unsure of whom to release all of his pent up anger on.

"His chickens are here. They're also dressed up. Bathtub's full of milk." The words stumbled out of Kevin's mouth in rapid succession before he closed it, he too afraid to become the next target.

"Wait, what?" Marie let out a short laugh and pushed Rolf aside. He inhaled deeply in preparation of a long stream of ranting and raving screams but she just opened up the sketch pad and shoved it in his face before he could start. "Keep yourself busy with this." All the air seemed to deflate out of him as Rolf's shoulder slumped and he stared dumbfounded at the picture on the page.

"What depraved soul…" His sentence quickly trailed off and he jumped back, dropping the pad as if it had burned him.

"What the hell are these supposed to be?" Marie didn't pay him or the frightened kids any mind though and kneeled down to align her eyes with the edge of the tub. Her eyes swooped across the birds who all had long makeshift necks and heads attached to their own naturally grown ones. "Swans?"

"That's what…" Nazz gave Rolf a quick glance but he was now just standing there frozen, staring at the sketch pad with a look of pure horror. "That's what we were thinking."

"In a bathtub full of milk?"

"In a bathtub full of milk." This was in fact not true as the bathtub itself was barely filled halfway up.

"..." Rolf's mumble almost went unnoticed.

"What?"

"Rolf would say 50 of your gallons."

"50… How do you figure?" Kevin glanced between Rolf, the sketch pad on the floor and the bathtub, slowly peeling himself off of the wall, careful as not to aggravate the farmer further.

"Rolf. Knows." A glare quickly shut Kevin up but the worst of Rolf's rage seemed to have subsided. He moved to the bathtub, careful to sidestep the pad, and began to scoop up the dressed up chickens into his arms. "Rolf will return." With that, he spun around and strode out of the bathroom, leaving a trail of milk behind him. The others looked between themselves, unsure of how to proceed. " **FOR ROLF'S VENDETTA!** " They all flinched at that yell.

"Does anyone wanna explain what the hell's going on?!" Sarah finally broke the tense silence.

"Something, something, painting in a tree." Eddy returned to the door only to put his phone to his forehead and sigh wearily. "Sooooo… Lee got a package."

"Lovely." Double-D leaned his head against the doorframe, the sense of being on a wild goose chase increasing with every minute.

"A painting in a tree?" Jimmy perked up, finally deeming it safe to let go of the toilet.

"Yeah." Kevin didn't even bother to try and explain. "What took you so damn long, McGee?"

"She got pissed off about the package, then she got more pissed off that I hadn't given her anything yet, then she started to yell at me for making gingerbread houses and Scooby Dooing around instead of spending Christmas Eve with her." Eddy rolled his eyes and made a gesture with his hand insinuating an overabundance of speech.

"Yeah, sounds like her." Marie snickered.

"Thrilling relationship drama aside, what was the package?" Kevin asked impatiently.

"Those tacky little wobbling hula-dolls with the skirts you see on dashboards in movies, nine of them." Eddy threw his hands in the air in exasperation. "Does anybody even know what the hell we're doing anymore?"

"There must be a connection we have yet to locate." Double-D rubbed his temples. "Method to the madness, method to the madness…" He muttered under his breath; nothing irked him more than unanswered questions.

Kevin's face lit up in sudden realization. "You know, with all this weirdness going on… Has anyone seen Jonny?" A moment passed where they all pondered upon this. Once the moment was all gone, Kevin, Ed and Double-D rushed out the door.

"HEY! WHAT ABOUT THIS MILK?!" Sarah hollered after them, pointing furiously at the bathtub.

"Make eggnog or something." Eddy shrugged and jogged out the door with Marie following suit. Nazz shot Sarah a sympathetic look.

"Yeah, I don't get any of this either; I'm just along for the ride."

 _ ***Knock, knock, knock***_

"Jonny!" Kevin shouted, his fist impatiently pounding on Jonny's front door. Double-D stood hunched over next to him, panting violently while Ed looked all around them in the search for something suspicious which could potentially fit in their ever growing puzzle.

"Hiya, guys; Merry Christmas!" Jonny threw open the door, not even giving any reaction to the unusually serious faces, and flashed them a wide grin.

"Ehr…" Kevin lost his wit for a moment faced with Jonny's festive Christmas sweater adorned with a Christmas tree which lit up in several colors and the inflatable crown squeezed down tightly over his head.

"Jonny, may we ask what you've been up to today?" Double-D slammed his hand against the doorframe for support, sounding very much like a dying vacuum cleaner.

"Sockhead, you sound like a dying vacuum cleaner." Eddy and Marie came up behind them, the latter placing a comforting hand on Double-D's back.

"I've been decorating the house!" Jonny gestured to the hallway behind him where long garlands of holly were hung, various assortments of nuts and dried fruit stacked up in birds' nests and-

"Cool, anyway-" Rude. "Did you get anything today?" Kevin asked, fighting against every urge in his body to punch someone.

"Hey, Jonny, cool sweater." Nazz walked up to the open door with Sarah and Jimmy in tow.

"Hey, Nazz, Jimmy, Sarah! Yeah, I got a box of these." Jonny pointed to the plastic crown on his head. "Someone had just dumped a box on my door step this morning; I think they're kinda snazzy!" They weren't. "Why you wondering?"

"It's not Jonny." Kevin ripped his hat off and hurled it at the wall. "Shit."

"Fantastic." Double-D groaned.

"Well, at least nobody told Rolf." Eddy closed his eyes and sighed when Nazz made an unsure sound. "Please, no."

"JONNY-THE-WOOD-BOY!"

"I might've texted him."

"Fantastic." Double-D groaned again.

"Am I the only one who doesn't get a damn thing about all of this?" Sarah crossed her arms in annoyance and Jimmy shook his head.

"I'm kinda lost as well."

"It's not Jonny, Rolf." Eddy just threw up a hand when the farmer reached them, pitchfork in hand this time.

"ROLF **LUSTS** FOR VENDETTA!"

"Do you wanna see the pad again?" Marie waved said sketch pad threateningly and Rolf stopped dead in his track.

"Rolf's lust is contained."

"Good to know." Sarah extended her tongue in disgust. "That still doesn't explain why the hell we're all running around like this!"

"It all started-" Half of the group started to complain and groan loudly. "-when Kevin found-" All together now.

" _ **A PAINTING IN A TREE**_ " The same half of the group sing-songed. Did you join them?

"A painting in a tree?" Jonny's face twisted in confusion.

"I'm starting to hate both trees and art in general." Ed scratched his nose and blinked heavily.

"What of?"

"What?" Kevin and Double-D both looked at Jonny with equal masks of weariness.

"What's it a painting of?"

"Some guy, I don't know." Kevin pulled out his phone and brought up a picture of the blasted painting that started it all. Those unaware of its appearance huddled around the phone to look.

"Who the hell is that?" Sarah huffed, somewhat disappointed that the subject of the painting was unknown to her.

"Wait, I know…" Jimmy started but Jonny cut him off and pointed excitedly.

"That's Steve Coogan!"

" _ **Who?**_ " Several voices raised the same question and Jimmy snapped his fingers.

"Oh yeah, he plays that… Alan Partridge!"

"Ala-" Double-D stopped mid-sentence and stared blankly out into nothing.

"Never heard of the guy." Marie shrugged her shoulders.

"Me neither." Kevin shook his head, the cold wind caressing it.

"Jonny, how many crowns were in the box?" Double-D asked, still standing motionlessly.

"Crowns? Uh, ten I think?" Jonny looked over his shoulder even though he knew the crowns were in a completely different room.

"That still doesn't explain a damn thing." Eddy wanted very much rather to be cleaning up the horrific scene in Double-D's kitchen, which felt like half a lifetime ago at this point.

"No." Said Double-D looked up with a manic gleam in his eyes. "It explains _everything_." Murmurs broke out in the small group.

"Feels like this is the part where you explain what it explains, dude." Nazz looked between the picture of the painting and Double-D whose lips had started to curve into a smile.

"Perhaps not everything, we have the _what_ but not the _who_." He strode through the group, gesturing between houses on the street as if weaving invisible threads that connected them.

"Dude, out loud, we can't add this in post." Eddy reluctantly followed his friend into the middle of the street, wanting to hear the entirety of this ridiculous theory.

"Firstly-" Double-D spun around with dramatic flair as the group gathered in a semi-circle around him. "There's someone missing, all of us accounted for except for one."

"May's in town." Marie arched an eyebrow, not overly fond of the potential insinuation.

"Yeah, and Lee's at home but she got that box of hula-girls." Eddy added.

"Precisely, Eddy. Ed, would you please ask May of her specific situation, if anything out of the ordinary have occurred?" Ed only nodded at the request, whipped his phone out and fired off a quick text. "Thank you, Ed."

"So May did it?" The blue-haired Kanker shot Kevin a glare at his question and he threw up his hands. "Hey, just asking."

"No, I believe she fits into this puzzle rather well as do the rest of us."

"Enough of this; who has made a mockery of the Son of the Shepherd, Ed-Boy?!" Rolf broke out from the group and raised his fist.

"Ah, like I said, I can explain the _what_ , but not the _who_ , _why_ or _how_."

"Just tell us already!" Sarah shouted, irritated of never getting the whole picture.

"It's simple; it's all in the spirit of Christmas." Double-D only smiled when a couple of them groaned. "I kick myself for not figuring this out sooner, of course; it was all so obvious really."

"Want me to kick you? This is how you get kicked." Kevin felt like he would very much do it at this point too.

"Two of our mystic occurrences fit in with each other to paint a more complete picture, if you pardon the pun; Kevin's arbor art and the display of Rolf's three chickens." Double-D paused and chuckled lightly when everyone waited for him to continue. "The chickens were found in a box detailed with things most commonly associated with the French stereotype; a baguette, berets, for some reason smoking."

"The chickens were smoking?" Jimmy asked incredulously; he could begin to understand Rolf's anger if that had been the case.

"Electronic cigarettes, purely for show. Someone should have picked up on this because it was the most obvious telltale sign of what we were dealing with."

"What; three French chickens?" Jonny asked, hanging on to the story with every word.

"More like three French hens." Double-D could only smile wider as realization and further confusion spread across the groups' faces. "And, of course the portrait of Steve Coogan in the tree mostly known for being the one Mr. Mitchell spends lazy summer days under."

"Oh, God, don't remind me." Sarah moaned.

"Add this to the fact that the box of the _French_ chickens were found in Kevin's backyard and what do we get?" The intelligent Ed took a breath as if to heighten the impact of what would come next. "Seeing as the French word for father, Kevin's in this case, is ' _père'_ , we have a case of a 'Partridge in a _père_ tree'." Dead silence, not even the wind dared to blow. Then chaos erupted.

"WHO THE HELL THOUGHT-"

"- SHOVE IT UP SOMEONE'S-"

"THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING-"

"WHY IS IT ALWAYS THIS KIND OF BULLSH-"

"It's not The Night before Christmas at least."

"Friends, friends, please." Double-D held up his hands in an attempt to silence the complaints to no avail.

"I'M GONNA KILL, LITERALLY KILL-"

"ROLF'S LUST HAS RETURNED!"

"TOO MUCH INFORMATION THERE, ROLF!"

"END THE DAMN STORY!"

"I SPENT ALL OF CHRISTMAS EVE ON THIS KNOCK-OFF AGATHA CHRISTIE-"

"HEY, GUYS!" Nazz stepped forward and waved her hands around. "Look, can we just like…" She stopped and thought for a moment. "The onion rings; five golden rings." She looked to Double-D and shook her head. "This is ridiculous."

"Indeed." Double-D held up a finger. "The painting in the tree; first day of Christmas. The two toy turtles on a branch weighed down by olives; what's most associated with an olive branch?"

"Peace- Doves!" Jimmy shouted excitedly.

"Two turtle doves." Kevin crouched down and let out an elongated moan of displeasure into his hands.

"And a painting in a tree." Eddy filled in.

"Three French hens." Double-D held up another finger. "Four calling birds; Kevin, Ed, Eddy and I all received phone calls at precisely the same time."

"Yeah, that I don't get; how the hell could someone have organized that?" Eddy chimed in and glanced accusingly at both Nazz and Marie.

"Hey, don't look at us, we ain't ever said more than a couple of words to each other." Marie gestured to Nazz who nodded in agreement.

"The five golden rings previously mentioned." The thumb on Double-D's other hand shot up. "Six geese a laying, the sketch pad that Marie received contains six drawings of… geese lying down." A shudder went through both him and Rolf.

"What, what about it?" Jonny and Sarah made a move towards Marie, but Rolf held out an arm.

"It should burn before more eyes are laid upon those pages."

"Nah, I'll probably frame this." Marie grinned wickedly at him.

"Seven swans a swimming; Rolf's chickens so graciously played their part in that. Eight maids a milking-"

"The hell does that have to do with the tub?" Eddy asked.

"Rolf, how much milk would you say a cow produces in a day?"

"With a cow of Rolf's caliber? Seven or eight of your gallons."

"With eight cows then, roughly 50 gallons of milk on the eighth day then." A chorus of groans and "This is so stupid" arose again but Double-D soldiered on. "Lee received nine ladies dancing-"

"And did she bitch about it?" Eddy exhaled loudly and Marie elbowed him in the side.

"What you think she'd say if she heard that?"

"What's 'ten lords a leaping' then, Double-D?" Jonny asked. "Is it to do with the crowns?"

"Crude and farfetched as the explanation may be-"

"What isn't of this whole thing?" Kevin's muffled voice said, his hands still firmly clutched to his face.

"The lid of the box containing the French hens read ' _Messeigneurs_ '. My French may not be past the point of knowing basic words-"

"It means 'My lords'." Nazz shrugged when everyone's quizzing looks turned to her. "What? I can pay attention in class."

"Ten crowns." Double-D spoke again. "Ten lords, currently ten of us here and, especially with this plausible theory, we are doing… What?"

"Don't, man, just…" Kevin now rocked back and forth in utter frustration over the absolute ridiculousness of the situation. "Don't say it."

"We're leaping to conclusions."

"I hate life. I'm hating life on Christmas." No one said a thing after Kevin's admittance of his feelings concerning his current existence. Incredulous looks were exchanged, glances were directed to some of the houses that had been involved in the mystery and almost everyone pondered silently over the question " _How the hell could someone pull this off?_ "

A ding was heard from Ed's pocket. Pulling out his phone, he read the newly received text once, then twice with big eyes to himself before he read it out loud.

" _I just walked into that comic shop and they hadn't really locked the door 'cause the owner was just sitting there with ten other guys smoking weed out of one of those peace pipes._ "

"I'm serious; I'm gonna fucking punch someone."

* * *

Calm had been restored to Rethink Avenue; kitchens had been cleaned, chickens returned to their proper places and the twelve people who had spent the last few years having adventures together were all now gathered in Jimmy's living room to enjoy each others' company in the spirit of Christmas and mostly to completely ignore the batshit crazy day that had gone by.

Two figures observed this from afar though, musing over the events in the light snowfall that would coat Peach Creek overnight to ensure a white Christmas for its inhabitants.

"Sooo…" One of them, both younger and thinner than the other, started. "What was the point of this?"

"To grant a special gift for someone this Christmas." The other, whose voice resembled melting butter on a fresh stack of pancakes in the morning of one's first vacation day, said. The younger man shortled.

"Let me guess; Ed?"

"You are correct." The older man chuckled and his entire midsection bounced around like a plate full of jam.

"Or something similar to that extent. Either way, was this really the best way to make all of it happen?" The younger one shoved his hands deeper into his coat pockets and hunched his shoulders up, sorely unprotected from the cold.

"Kevin got to see Nazz again. Even if they wouldn't say it out loud, Jimmy and Sarah are spending the evening together, as are the three Eds and the Kanker sisters. No one is spending Christmas Eve alone, which deep down is what they all wanted. But in this time of stress and worry over impending changes, they all got together for one last shindig like they always used to; just what Ed wanted." The older man gave the younger one a knowing look and the latter rolled his eyes so hard that they were surely in danger of jumping out of their sockets.

"Gee willikers, _**SANTA**_ , I can't believe you went through all this trouble just for this one street." The younger one said. They both shared a smile, happily knowing that at least one of them had been named.

"Oh, it was all you, Is-"

"Nah, nah, let's just get this over with; this is getting too damn meta as it is." Is- The younger one waved his arms around in protest and pointed back to the house. "We're still missing the twelve drummers drumming though."

"Are we? If anything it represents the beating of their hearts as the twelve of them are gathered together this Christmas as a family. This is my final gift to them on this fine Christmas Eve." And with the loud laughter of those twelve friends echoing throughout the empty, snow covered streets of Rethink Avenue, Santa's words disappeared into the snowy night, promising warmth and friendship to those who dared be a little crazy and ridiculous to let it into their hearts.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

* * *

 **...**

 **What? Is that it? It's just gonna-**

 **No, no way, that's not how we end stories around here. Hang on, let me slip back into something slimmer so we can do this properly.**

* * *

"Yeeaah…" The younger one said, doubtingly staring at Santa like the bearded being of magic had lost his mind. "That's real poetic and all, but it's not really what I had in mind when I said twelve drummers drumming."

"What did you-" Santa nearly tumbled over when loud, rhythmic banging came from the street, the rapid short bursts sounding almost like machine gun fire.

"I figured the whole 'Partridge in a _père_ tree' was beating around the bush too much-" A wide, manic grin spread across the young man's face when he saw the twelve Peach Creekers rush up to the window to see what absolute mayhem had broken out on the street. "So I gave them something literal as a parting gift."

"Of course you did." Santa composed himself but couldn't help cracking a small smile at the sight of the enraged forces of Sarah, Kevin, Lee and Rolf rushing out on the lawn wielding inflatable candy canes to take out some pent up frustration on the newly arrived guests.

"Twelve drummers drumming. _Each_. All drumming out Eddy McGee's name in Morse code." 'Twas truly the season of- "No, we're not doing the damn 'twas joke this year, Narration, so don't even set it up." _Dick_.

* * *

 **That's better.**

 **Hi there. Happy holidays.**

 **This is an idea I've had for several years but it was originally more straightforward, sure as hell not this long and not built on one of the most Christmassy Dad jokes ever. If you've made it this far; congratulations, it's further than I thought I'd write it to be honest.**

 **If, for some reason, you're curious about the setting or the characters' background in this story, I urge you to read another of my stories called "High School Never Ends"; while not necessarily 100% canon in its details to it, I pretty much just followed the outline of that story writing this.**

 **Not all that happy with this, to be honest, not just the rust I'm sure to have but just too much standing around and talking, though this could be because if there's one thing I love, it's writing banter. Banter is the bedrock of my stories; back and forths between Double-D and Eddy, snark-offs between Kevin and Eddy, any sarcastic comment anyone cracks. So, this is what it is. A ranting, stark raving mad, stupidly silly, ridiculous little one-shot about a ridiculous mystery at Christmas.**

 **Seasons greetings all.**


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